I laughed at myself for being stupid. I laughed at myself for being naive. I laughed at myself for trusting people. I laughed at myself for being loyal. I laughed at myself for being myself. I laughed at myself for being who I am and the situation that I am in. LOL.... What have I done? What have I said? What have I been lacking? What have I done extra? I laughed at myself. seriously. What is it about me with stupid situations? What is it about me that instil 'fear' to people? WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME? My weird character? My awakard smile? My overly personality? My poseur attitude? I seriously don't get it. But I am who I am and I want to be who I am. If there's anyone who can't handle it, to hell with you. I've had enough. And I'm not gonna waste my f*cking energy on you.

WHY? HAVE I GIVEN YOU A THREAT? HAVE I MADE YOU THINK OTHERWISE? HOW LITTLE TRUST HAVE YOU BEEN INVESTING IN ME? I hate explaining. So go on assuming.

It's weird sometimes the closer you are to the person, the lesser you know of him/her. I don't exactly know why, but this is what I could came up with. Close friends tend to think they know one another well enough not to say anything, thus expecting their close friends to know/understand them. In return, the other party does the same. Communication breakdown and misunderstanding happens! Sometimes I really wonder is there a chance that I won't get misunderstood? Is there a chance that he/she would ask me to be certain of an issue rather than just assuming it?

I'm quite annoyed/sad/frustrated/disappointed in how little trust "this person" invest in me... I'm left wondering what the hell have I done wrong? Is there anything that I could do to make things go back to normal? Could we have a conversation about this? This is all a speculation, but this is what I get at the moment. Still, I don't want to bother myself with this. To make it clear, I would feel it is worth it, yet thinking back, I will try to totally withdraw myself from any explanation. I don't have the energy. Sorry.

I know you don't read my blog cause you once said that I would tell you myself, you don't need to read, but this time, I didn't! If you catch this, please ask me? I don't have the strength to make any more conversations

Oh my life's not all gloomy. Lol.. To be honest, I've shut out all my darkest moments for the past years deep in me that I think nobody would be able to get them out of me anytime soon. EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN PROBLEMS. EVERYONE DEALS WITH THEIR PROBLEMS DIFFERENTLY. Some show it. Some throw it aside. Some keep it inside. Some keep half inside, half throw it aside. Some keep half inside, half show it. For me: I will keep almost everything inside me UNLESS you are those few peeps whom I could open up to. Even then, how much of it I let it out, I would never know.

I've been living my life in lies. I've lied my way through relationships. I've lied my way through friendships. I've lied my way through everything and anything related to my life. I'm sick of it. Yet, lies have been a part of my life. Could I just throw it aside and start afresh?

The past few days been a great "journey" for my personal reflection. Not in a million years would I be able to come up with things that I came up with in the past few days. The greatness of being at home alone, thingking rationally. It really gets you somewhere: heaven or hell doesn't matter cos it gets you there.

For starter, on a brighter note: I feel like a heavy load have been lifted off me. I'm definitely more at ease with myself. I'm 'happier' in the sense that my worries/problems, although have not been resolved yet, but it is 'vanishing' slowly and I'm quite glad for that. I couldn't be certain of everything, who could? But at least I could assure myself that the situation that I see it in (may look stupid if it's untrue) is definitely one of the most accurate guesses I could have made. But if it is true, will I be sad? Yes! Will I be disappointed? Yes! Will I be affected emotionally? I guess so! But then when that time comes, I guess I would just sit back and see how trust he/she has on me. =)

Still, what is this feeling that stuck in me like super glue? I hope I can find it. Catch it and throw it out of me. I WISH! But do I have the strength? Do I have the courage? That I don't know.

Sometimes, I do wish I'm someone else. What's the possibility? Zilch! Yet, if it happens, I could then be able to take off the mask that is hanging in front of my face now. I need to break it. BUt I can't. Somebody help me if you think you have the ability to. I would greatly appreciate it.

Competition's tomorrow. I should rest.

*Replies to Taggers*

Yen: Imitation is the best form of flattery. You should be proud. Lol. If of course you understand what I'm writing about. :p

Deb: Lol. I don't think I would fail. Yet, I definitely isn't going to do extremely well. haha

Von: Geisha! Zhang ZiYi is so pretty. Lol. Cool. I should make a paster of myself again. :)

Rai: Er... I DON'T CARE. What I could get form your blog would be mine to use. :)

Ariel: We'll find time soon! IN the mean time, take care. :)

Call me uninspiring. Call me lazy. Call me unoriginal. But really, I'm quite lazy to write about myself anymore. How I'm sad.. How I'm unhappy... How I think my life is all gray.. Those few times that I think I'm the luckiest person in the world.. How I'm extremely happy when somebody notices or cares...

[QUOTE]

Really, i wish i could talk to someone, but im just scared.

5 steps back for every step forward.

every chance blows up in my face.

too tired to sleep.

too sleepy to do anything else.

sick of pretending-that im happy, that im 'fine', that im 'over you'

sick of testing the waters before every damn step

too many memories...sick of slitting my wrists, sick of being and breathing.

sick of being me

...

sick of people

try your best but you dont succeed.get what you want.not what you need.so tired but cant sleep.stuck in reverse.lose something you cant replace.love someone but it goes to waste.too in love to let it go.

i want to be alone, but then its gets scary.

i want to not be for a while. i want everyone to forget who i am, and i want to unexist for just w short while. i want to stand outside this world and look at everyone and do i make a differnce in your life? nobody likes to be forgotten nobody likes ot be left behind. move on. forget me. me. who? really, who?? well..i forgot. living this life for so many people. slowly dying everyday. every goddamn day. pretending lying. just for once, i dont want to be this.

stop.

everything stops. and maybe it will make sense. maybe all i need is your hand. 'bleed just to know you are alive' sometimes that wont work either.

what to do?

help.

can you hear me?

maybe later.its not important.

[UNQUOTE]

those are abstract from Manisha's post. To be honest, my recent entries maybe reflect back of what she thinks 3 years back. Yet, it's such an ongoing process that it stays on with us no matter how we try to ignore it. Like her, I want to feel unnoticed. I want people to think that I don't exist. Not because I want that extra attention, but I wish I could lead a life that I really want, not what others think I should. No, I have not undergo major depression before. Why you might ask with all those stupid depressing posts that I've written? Simply, I'm NOT stupid and I'm NOT in need of attention. No offence to whoever who has undergone depression (I know it's a tough process). For once in my life, I decided on something that I hope I could stick to. Yet, how I wish, you could be here for me of all people. I appreciate all of my friends who cared. Yet, at this point of 'recovery', I don't even understand myself, let alone others.

To most people, family is important and that's including me. But what could I get out of my family? Pressure! Responsibility that shouldn't have been mine at such an age! Lack of attention! Lack of love! No.. I don't come from a broken family. They are all fine. Yet why? Why do I feel I'm born at the wrong place and wrong time? I always tell myself: What if I'm born a Malay/Indian/Caucassian? What if I'm born a girl? What if I'm born a star? What if I'm born a crippled? What if I'm born sick? Will any of these affected me? Will I be a totally different person than I am now? For starter, there is obvious difference! BUt how about my character and personality? Our characters and personality are not born with us. They are cultivated from our experiences in life. To put that aside, I can't wait to get back to Indonesia. Afterall, when you are confused, the best place to run to is your HOME. and no matter how I dislike the place, it is my HOME. A fact that could not be changed.

I'm back to my old ways. I can't help it.

You guys would know that I decided to start my blog from scratch, which is why I deleted all my posts. I want to start all over again, trying to "forget" what I've written in the past or at least trying to keep it aside for a moment. Then I looked back my very first post in my brand new blog, the post looked exactly like what I would write last time then I asked myself: "What's the point?" Lol. When I say I want a change, I'm also talking about what and how I write my entries. So from now onwards, this is how my entry would approximately look like. :)

Met Darius today. Supposed to meet at 1pm at Tampines. But since I was dilly-dallying, smsed him to meet me at 1:30pm instead. I reached at 1:20pm when he called and asked me to guess one thing. Immediately I guessed right: he was still at home. He just woken up. Seriously, I was calm. I wasn't even a tiny bit angry. Asked him to hurry up while I just walked around, slacking. :) I didn't quite keep track on the time, so I didn't know how long I waited before he showed up. Did whatever he supposed to do, took train down to Orchard. Went to Es Teller 77 for lunch. Basically just sat there, eat and talk and talk and talk. Lol. Don't blame me or him.. We haven't seen each other for almost ONE year. Well, that's abit exaggerating, but yeah somewhere there. :P Had meeting at 5, so left town around 4:20pm.

Reached studio at 5 plus i suppose. Only Ter and Glen was there. Not long, the rest showed up. Had meeting about the advertising bit for our dance production. Then went on with our Zouk competition training. Training's the same I suppose. What could anything extraordinary happened during practice? Well, cleaned up steps and stuffs like that. Then head abit giddy. Woke up early and slept late last night. That's why. Then I left with Sophan. Basically, he left without saying anything. So I had to run after him just to catch up with him and forgot to bid 'farewell' to everybody else. Lol. SO now I'm at home - watching Yakitate Japan and watching for "Devil Beside You" to load before I could watch. :)

So I'll be doing this ChienYen's style - responding to my taggers. :P

D - Finally!!!!!! We get to meet, get to talk. Get to hear for sarcastic remarks and you get to hear all my rubbish. We need to do this more often and don't forget about my proporsal on coming to NP once/twice every week aight? You'll love it. :P

JiaMin - I will. =) There comes a time when you know you just have to be happy. So I'm proud to say that my time has come. hehe.

Steph - You!!!! Grrrr... Go out always boh jio. Dont' assume I can't make it le.. haha... If not like that where got chance to meet u all. :(

Ter - Lol. Errrr... *not in a gay tone* thanks...

Deb - Red lips sexy what... not good meh? I still like to play around with photoshop le, but I don't know why I have a feeling that I will flunk CG. Gosh.. haha

So that's all I have for today's post. Get used to my new style aight. If you have any queries or complaint, send me an sms or write complain email to my email address at f.kosmanz@gmail.com. That's it.

I decided to delete ALL my previous posts!!! Why? Well, I don't quite know too. I have been wanting to do it for the past few weeks. Er... I didn't delete them tecnically. They're just somewhere. Afterall, I really want to look back in the future of what I wrote about and laughing my ass off.

Anyway, here it is a brand new post! :)

So As I was slacking at home for the past 2 days, I kinda realize what I could get out of solitude. Friends are extremely important to me (or to everyone), yet being alone has what I would call a healing element. :) I know I would regret from the decision I've made, but I'm on the healing process that I have been wanting for the past few weeks. YAY!!!!

Red Lips

You make me bite my lips till they bleed.
Sick of lying about myself.
Lips sealed tightly, tongue tied.