Sometimes when things go wrong, we either blame others or ourselves. But does that always have to be the case? Is there anything that happens because it is suppose to happen? The more I think about it, I finally realize the way I used to lead my life will not lead my anywhere. I will take things the way it is. I will see things the way it is. I will not look deeper into things that is not supposed to. Sometimes, things happen because they are suppose to happen. There is really no reason behind it and after sooo long, I finally able to accept that analogy.

I've learned my lesson. I will take things as lightly as I possibly could. I won't have the strength to deal with all the shyt that might happen in the end.

Oh ya. For all those peeeps who have watched "X-Men3: The Last Stand" and did not stay on after the ending credits? You probably missed this. So here it is!
Do you remember a scene during the movie (I believe it was while Charles was teaching his class), there's this woman, a doctor on TV saying something about a guy whose brain is dead or something like that (something like "could you imagine if we could transfer the consciousness of someone into this body...")
Well after the credit, we see this doctor and that same patient who suddenly opens his eyes and says: "Hello, Moira"
Moira: "Charles?!"

That's pretty much it

I would pay millions to anyone who could tell me exactly what am I playing at? Do all of these actually make me feel better? What the hell am I doing this for? Seriously, I would never be able to get myself an answer for everything. But lately, I don't want an answer. I just want the strength to let it go and move on.

I have no idea what am I doing lately. I smiled. Keep smiling. Keep smiling. And keep smiling. Trying to cover whatever inside by smiling and therefore, I just keep smiling. Keep letting off unncessary laugh. Whatever the jokes were (funny or not), I just keep smiling with an occasional laugh. SOmetimes, I don't even get it. Yet, I keep smiling. My smiles maybe fake, but at least it's more 'enjoyable' than doing the opposite.

I used to have a friend who told me that he envied my life, so I asked him why. He said: "Oh, cos you have so much freedom. You live alone. You can do whatever you want to do. and you just come across as independent." Well, yes I do have a lot of freedom and yes after staying alone for more than 7 years, I dare say I am independent. But If I have a choice, I would rather let go of all the freedom that I had and stay with my family. At least when stuffs go wrong, you know you could turn to them even if they're your last resort. As for now, everything's been failing. Family is a non-existant. I'm still a sucker at committment. Friendships is on the line. All I have is myself and I decide to deal all of these on my own.

It's been a while! :) Firstly, my connection's been all weird the past couple of days, so I can't update. Secondly, been extremely tired the past few days that I throw myself on my bed once I reached home. Lastly, there are so many things that I could write about and that turns me off. But forget about all of that cos I'm here. =)

It is so hard to hold onto something that is failing. I was frustrated. I was mad. Although, I didn't show it and I'm not planning to, deep inside me I am unhappy. But what can I do about it? I did make a decision, yet my decision's so rash that even I think I was being unreasonable and slightly ridiculous. But I'm trying to keep to my decision as closely as I could be. I won't regret this because seriously I DON'T give a fcuk anymore. :)

Oh. Being around people whom I'm not very close with could be so much fun. Of course it will double the fun if that person is extremely funny too. Sometimes, I do think I'm lucky. When things go wrong here, I could always run there. It may not look quite good on me for running away, but do I care? It's me. I can do whatever i want to do.

Tons of projects coming up. I'm so screwed. =X grrrr...........

Yes. It's just one of those days when I just couldn't sleep. Nah, don't jump to conclusions that my mind's full of thoughts because honestly speaking it is NOT! surprise surprise!

I guess sometimes it's really about the choices that we made. Knowing what we really want. Only if we are able to do that can we actually let go of things that are so close to our heart. It's not easy to let go of a relationship or a friendship even if it is a failing one. It is not easy to give up your right to speak your mind. It's not easy to resist your favourite cheese cake. But everything has to be put in prespective. We CANNOT just have everything. Decision has to be made. Sacrifices will then come with that. I've been searching for 'myself', what i want, etc for the past years and only now that I realize what I want is so 'simple' and obvious that I always overlook it. Now, I'm beginning to see it and thus I'm able to loosen up more and let go of things that I once hold so dearly.

I'm giving up.

People always complain that life's confusing (I am one of them). Yet, it is actually the people who makes life so confusing. I guess I have learnt to let go of alot of things. Yet in the midst of everything, I have crossed a path that I know I shouldn't have. I've been through the pain for almost 2 years and I really do not wish to repeat the same things again now. SO, this is the moment that I know I HAVE TO step up and let go of all things related that will lead to a disaster. I'm still trying and I think or rather I hope I'm getting there.

I'm sorry if you mistook whatever I said the other day. I'm perfectly aware of your feelings, but I also have made my feelings perfectly clear to you as well. Sometimes, an abrupt request like that really could take me off-guard and for a control-freak like me, I don't like that. And I agree to what you asked for plainly because of our friendship. I'm sorry. I was in a mess the day you spoke to me which explains my attitude.

Rai: There's just too much for me to handle right now. I can't wait for ur return.... :)

I definitely find the comfort of being alone sometimes. It's just when everything seems to go wrong, what you want is time to really think about it. I guess when you can't differentiate situtaions distictively, you just get all confused. YES, I'm actually fawking confuse, but what can I do about it? Don't think about it? Ignore it? Avoid it?

Everyone is different. There are people who are upset over certain issues that the others are not. Everyone deals with their problems differently, so do I. Yes, sometimes I expect too much out of someone. Yet, am I unreasonable to expect those? Sometimes I really think about it and see is it something that I could prevent from happening. Yet, I always get a dead end. So the only way to prevent it is to not expect too much and just take things on a very superficial level? If that could make me happy, then I really don't mind giving it a shot. But will that change others' perception of me? Will that affect me? others?

I'm tired. Seriously, how many more times do I have to feel my heart sank whenever I 'heard' what others have to say about me? Am I just that easily misunderstood? Am I not approachable enough to clear things up? I'm tired and I want to move on. But it is something that is one hell of a task for me because I just don't like change. There has been countless of changes in my life, i'm fawking sick of it. Jo tells me to let everything go, listen to your brain instead of your heart. I still can't. I'm still that guy whom everyone thinks something, yet I am not. And I'm not only getting older, I'm also getting 'worse' at such things.

I'm giving up...

I seriously don't feel like posting anything, but I WILL. I just want to remember today.

THIS IS THE DAY THAT EVERYTHING JUST SEEMS TO GO WRONG!!!!!!

Is it normal to fear the expectations that people have on you? Just like how celebrities are so intimidated by the media who will use any means to tear them apart. Sometimes I felt that people have too high of an expectation for me. Although, I always tell myself that I will live my life the way I want it and I don't care what others think of me, it still always struck me on the way I react to certain situations due to what people think I would. So are you lost already? Lol. To put it simply, what others expect of me is something that I can't deny although I want to.

Sometimes I really think about my life since the day I was born till now. I'm always so amazed at how much changes I have to overcome just due to the different environment that I was thrown into. I lived my first 6 years of my life away from my family although I did have weekend visits. I moved back in to live with my parents when I was about 7. I guess It doesn't quite affect that much, afterall I'm just 7! I took whatever that was trhown to me and at that time: my real (new) family. Just a short 6 years, there I was again force to move to a totally different environment: Singapore when I was 13. I fought. I screamed. I quarrelled. I cried. I ran away. I fought again. Yet, to no avail, I was still sent to Singapore and I'm glad I'm here. :) I'm glad I am who I am today (although I have always complain about how I hate myself sometimes, that doesn't count here!). I just can't imagine myself living comfortably in Indonesia, being ignorant about life and get everything that I want without even moving a finger. I can't imagine myself missing out on my "light years" and being forced to grow up 10x faster than kids here in Singapore. To put it bluntly, I can't imagine myself having a life in Indonesia, period.

I don't quite know the exact question asked, but it goes along the line - "Is there any difference?" At that time, I have no idea what to asnwer but now I know. YES, there's a difference. Although, i did say there isn't any significant difference because I have tried to ignore my feelings and move on and thus, looking 'normal'. But now, I don't try. It just comes. I guess it's just the idea that I'm understood and it's easier for me to go ahead with conversations. :)

Anyway, Everything's been good to me the past few days. Everything has been happening the way I hope it would be, except for one. I guess I'm an asshole. I'm a jerk. I just can't bring myself to deal with the situation although it has always been on my mind, struggling to get the best solution. I guess that's the reason why I always forget about "in the moment" thing. One burden has been resolved, yet another comes.

*Godamnit, why is this song keep playing over and over again in my head?* Lol... It's just so god-damn catchy. I thought I'm so over catchy, cheesy pop. I guess I'm wrong. :S