sitting alone in the dark...
the rain...
the air-con...
it's getting really cold...
yet here I am...
Why you might ask?
Although I would very much like to answer...
but I can't...
or rather I don't know how to...
It's weird sometimes...
to even think about what I think about...
Everything has taken its toll...
It's about time...
to let go of things that I know I should have ages ago...
Would I regret this?
Absolutely... but do I have any other choice?

slit my wrist...
punch the walls...
bang my head...
why do I see comfort in pain?
why do I see comfort in suffering?

expectations...
regardless if we mean it or we don't...
regardless if we think about it or we don't...
regardless if we even know of or we don't...
will always be there...
we alwasy expect things out of someone or something...
It's natural...
but expectations leads to disappointment...
afterall, our expectations usually comes with assumptions...
i have my expectations...
and because of these expectations that...
half the time I'm the way I am...
When things don't go the way I hope or want it to go...
That's when I know my expectations failed!!!!
And that's when I will be here ranting about...
my anger, frustration, disappointment and sadness...

please don't leave me hanging like this...
I know you could say the same to me..
but could you at least now tell me what you really want??
I'll respect whatever you say.. I will...

if only i could be like every other person...
I'm sure i would be much happier...
but i'm not like every other person...
and I'm proud of that...
being unique, being someone whom others can't figure out...
just give me a sense of comfort...
i guess everyone has a dark, little dirty secret...
i'm no exception...
the only difference is that mine's killing me...
why do 'werid' things always happen to me...
sometimes I couldn't control myself...
I just want me to be the subject of your insane desire..
just like you are to me...
but it would never happen..

I'm sorry.

I will continue being who I am.
I can't change.
I'm not ready to take another blow.

I wish you could read my mind.
But wishing that you won't run away from me once u can.
It's so tough to keep it inside.
I want you to know.
I do.
But I'm not ready.
And I know you are not.
Evetually I could move on.
I always do.
But you are always there.
You're so in my face.
What can I do about it?

I love you.

Sometimes I really ask myself why do I always do such things?
It's really foolish of me to do such things...
Yet I can't help myself but just do them....
What do I gain from such an action?
I gain nothing...
And I lost almost everything...
Yet, why do I still keep doing it?
Over and over again...
Why? Why? Why?

Sometimes when you have tried to much...
All you want is to get something in return...
Well, maybe not something...
But just a little bit of effort put from the other side...
It's such a painful thing to have someone thinking...
"I've done sooo much for this/that?"
"but has he/she take the initiative?"
"but has he/she put in even a slight bit of effort to make this/that works?"

It's so easy to put a smile to my face...
It's really damn fucking easy...

Sometimes when you get so caught up in a moment...
You simply forget to live life...
I really do wonder why do certain things happen in a certain way...
And if there is nothing that we could do to change it...
I've been finding myself for the past couple of years...
Ever since I'm in Singapore in 1997...
Living on my own...
Trying to grow up faster than the others...
Doing things that people my age or even older have not done...
Trying to impress people that don't give a f*ck about me...
Trying to be on top of things...
Convincing myself that I can survive on my own...
And that when everything goes wrong, I still have myself...
Going overboard with my independence...
Convincing myself that my greatest enemy is myself...
It's been tough...
Sometimes I think I got it...
Sometimes I think I'm thrown back to ground zero...
Yet, life goes on...
And I have to live with it...

The world's is such a HUGE place...
And I'm just one small bit of it...
Do I need to be noticed?...
Do I need to be recognized?...
Do I even need to exist?...
When you start questioning about your existence...
It is time to realize that you have made something out of yourself in the world...
Life's a full circle, isn't it?

Doe-Eyed Innocence


There are people who love to grow up fast..
There are also people who doesn't like growing up...
I fall under the latter category...
I don't fear age...
I just fear all the other factor that comes with it...
Such as mixed emotion, problems, responsibilities, etc...
I know it's NATURAL...
It's something that EVERYONE has to overcome...
Don't take my words for it...
It may just be a wishful thinking...
But at least give me a chance to relive my innocence...
which is something that was taken away from me WAY TOO SOON...
and I totally HATE it...


So is this our last goodbye?
Are you seriously ready to move on?
Don't ask me if I am...
Because what I can afford is nothing more than this...
This is my limit...
I can't go any further...
Go on with your life...
There are so much more to life than just this...
Which is something that I'm sure you'll find out soon enough...
I wish you all the best...
It 'kills' me to even have such thoughts...
It's even worse to make it black and white...
But here it is...
No matter how painful it can get...
Here it is...
Take my words for it...
This is my limit...
This is the most that I could do about this...
I won't take anything else that you're throwing to me in the future...
Mark my words...
I won't!!!!...
Don't push me off my limit..!!!
Please don't!

What a mess...
I've caused so much troubles...
I've caused so much misery...
I've caused so much tension...
I've caused so much unhappiness...
I've caused so much uncertainties...
I've caused so much agony...
I've caused so much pain...
and the list goes on...
But I really didn't mean it...
I really don't...

I couldn't bear this any longer...
I wanna give up sometimes...
Yet I can't, because this is who I am...
I can't possibly change myself...
Into someone totally new...
I wish I could...
If I could do that, I would have done that long ago...
But I can't...
I'm still the way I used to be...
I'm still the way I was...
Now, what can I do about it?
Continue living my life the way it is now?
By pretending to be someone that I'm not?
Or shall I be open about myself?
So that people could understand me fully?
I'm so affected by you...
Is there anything that I could do about it?
Every little thing that you do have such a great impact on me...
That I find myself lost in my own world sometimes...

People always say it's so painful to not get what you want...
I agree...
But it is even more painful to know what you want...
Yet you can't get what you want...
Not because you have not tried hard enough...
Simply because of who I am...
Simple because of something that I can't control...
I don't know how many of you have ever gotten that feeling..
I hope you guys don't...
Cos it's sooooo painful that a slit or two on your wrist is not enough...

Don't put your heart on your sleeves...
The feeling of being abandon...
Who can take it?

If someone lied to you ONCE...
Will you ever trust him/her again?
He/she lied to you because of some reason...
Some reasons that are valid due to the immense stress that the person is having?
WOuld you understand his difficulties in keeping the truth from you?
WOuld you understand the pain/suffering/agony that he/she is facing from having to keep the truth from you and lying to you?
WOuld you still trust this person?

P.S - If it IS about me, could you at least be the person that tells me about it? I don't like knowing about it from another person.

You're a restless rebel with an unpredictable nature.
Bright but unbridled, you tend to seek out wild experiences over new ideas.
People are frustrated by your great potential, but you love your unconventional life.
You're a heartbreaker. People get attached to you, and then you're gone.

Your strength: Your thirst for adventure

Your weakness: Not taking time for slow pleasures

Your power color: Hot pink

Your power symbol: Figure eight

Your power month: March


It's pretty spot on in parts...
Try it yourself if you want, here's the link:
http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourbirthdatemeanquiz

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It's been awhile I know. My landlord's son promised that he'll do something with the connection. So I really really hope that he'll get it done asap. And I'll try to blog as often as I used to be. SOmetimes I just had so much to write about that I don't know where to start.

So how's my life been? Nothing special I suppose. Sometimes I just think to myself why is it that people are always affected by the silliest things? I don't know myself sometimes. Is that the reason why most of the friends don't get me either? There are people who think that they know me? But honestly, those people who think that they do are those who don't quite know me. Confuse already? When people already have some kind of an idea about what kind of person I am in their system, it's really hard to do certain things sometimes. For example, when I'm around people whom I feel comfortable with, obviously I'll be more open, talkative. But does that equals to ME? It doesn't. I'm only behaving that way because of whom I'm with (THEM!)

It's such an irony when I'll be deemed fake if I pretend to be happy. Manisha once told me, you are in control of your emotion. If you WANT to be happy, you WILL BE happy. I don't get her then. I was wondering wouldn't that be pretending to be happy? thus leading to being fake? NOW I totally understand why she would say that to me. There's no REAL happiness in this world... At least, I don't think there is. We're the reasons how happiness comes about. Happiness doesn't come just like that, WE are the one who have to go for it.

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Friendster Horoscope:

This long day begins with a lot of contradictory information -- you won't be sure whom to believe or what path to take for quite a while. Be patient with yourself, and things will slowly settle into a logical order. Until you know exactly what you want to do, stick to your usual routine and pretend that nothing out of the ordinary is going on. After all, nothing is going to change unless you make it change. You're still the one in charge, you know!