To say that you understand me the most is an understatement.
Just when I was about to break down.
Although I convinced you that it's just a post. (It is!)
You gave me so much conviction to trust the reasons on why I should move on.
Could I get everything back on track?

I always asked myself.
Why do I always treat life as a game?
Is it because I'm frustrated with the world that I'm living in?
So frustrated that I do not want to lead my life by fate?
That I wish I could write every single chapters of my life on my own?
So much so that I deliberately do things that's leading towards daytime soap opera?
Is life meaningless without a purpose?
Is it because the way I was brought up? or the lack thereof?
That I have to make everything about myself?
Everyone around me is dragged along unknowingly into my game of life?

I've given up.
But you're worth my effort.

I don't know what's wrong.
I don't even know if there is even a problem to begin with.
You choose to move on initially.
I supported.
Maybe it's the way you deal with things.
ALthough I wish you could acted more like yourself.
I still supported.
Maybe it's just me.
I know I always think too much for my own good.
And this is the case.
You want to be happy.
Of course I supported.
But do I have to be fore-front about it?
So what's the problem now?
I always think for you even before myself.
But do you see that? Do you realize it?

I know I may not be the easiest person to talk to.
But if only you could have tried harder.
You might be able to see the difference.
As of now.
Whatever.


Friends come and go.
It's the third time someone telling me that.
In just the past month.
Sorry for the things that I've done or not done.
I'm over it. I don't give a shyt anymore.

"If you can't get someone out of your heart,
maybe they're supposed to be there."
I know I will always be affected.
But at least in my heart,
I know I've given up.
I will be affected.
My spirit will dampen now and then.
But the only conviction that I could get out of all of these,
Is that I don't need an impression from you anymore.
I'm not searching for anything anymore.



Feeling so incomplete.
Am I Reaching for nothing,
Or just to much?

Sometimes we really wonder what are we actually afraid of?
Is it death?
Is it loneliness?
Is it losing everything that you love?
We want so many answers.
Answers that could make us feel better.
Feel more at ease with ourselves.
Why?
Simply because we always seek for the comfort.
The easy way out.
The things that we know could make us feel good about ourselves.
Does that make us selfish?
I have been living my whole life in doubts.
Simply because I chose that path.
A path that is fully controlled by emotion.

All I want to do is survive.
I need a clue, away from this live.
I need to find someone who believes.
I need a sign, yet it's nowhere to be found.
In my back, there's always a knife.
That's constantly twisting and turning.
My soul is burning.

What makes a person feel so empty?
I will always have this blank empty feeling inside me.
A feeling that in my mind just never can and never will happen.
I seriously hope I could understand why it is so consuming.
And it never goes away.

I realized some of the people whom I cared about,
Are blatantly not worth my time.
At all.

...........
Being Superficial.
...........
As much as I hate it.
...........
I just have to live with it.
...........
What can I do if you are that type of person.
...........
It makes me afraid to actually get to know you further.
...........
Rot in hell for all I care.

To all of those who hate me
I wish you death
Am I thinking too much?
To all of those who ignore me
I wish you pain
I wish I could be the one for you.
To all of those who dislike my Clothing/Apperance/Attitude
I wish you torture
Yet. It isn't meant to be.
To all of those who lie to me
I wish you Hell
It's so hard sometimes to ignore my own feeling
To all of those who fight with me
I wish you broken bones
But I have no choice.
To all of those who make me bleed
I wish you death
And seeing you like this, all i could say is...
To all of those who love me
I wish you love
"...I love you! I love you soooo much."

After trying in vain to sleep my mind started to wander.
And I began thinking.
What is in store for us?
What direction do we go in?
We have the near perfect life, but nothing stands still forever.
We all want more, our world grows ever bigger as we explore.
Do we outgrow our safety net?
Should we step outside of it?
Everyone takes chances, they are just varied in degrees.
What happens in one part of a relationship wants to play safe,
but the other wants danger?
Is there a happy medium?
Is it possible to move beyond the barrier of trust,
if you take things slow enough?
Too many questions, not enough answers!



Always follow your heart, follow your dreams,
and NEVER let that passion die,
dont let the mundaneness of life drag you down,
until before you know it you’ve ended up with second best,
and there is nothing you can do to change it.
Never find yourself in the position where,
you look back on your life with regret,
fullfil your potential,
have the courage, the strength,
and sometimes even the selfishness needed,
to be the most important thing in the world..
TRULY YOURSELF.

NEVER be bullied into silence.
Never allow yourself to be made a victim.
Accept no one's definition of your life;
define yourself

I wish I could.

Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men,
Who find it easier to rise to the world they've been given,
Than to explore the power they have to change it.
Impossible is not a fact.
It is a dare.
Impossible is potential.
Impossible is temporary.
Impossible is nothing.


I will never let you fall.
I'll stand up with you forever.
I'll be there for you through it all,
Even if saving you sends me to heaven.
It's ok.
It's ok.
It's ok.

could you handle my 21 years history?

The post that's long overdue.

I'm glad with the people that I have with me now.
No matter who they are.
They always let me see things in a different light.
Just because we're all so different.

I have Barry who is so carefree with his life,
To the point that he has no idea what he is doing actually.
And the moment I saw him after so long of not seeing each other,
He told me, "Oh man. I grew damn big leh!"
Hey, count how much time u spent in front of your com, you'll get your answer.
But with just that.
I was on earth for a moment.

Everyone has shown their concern in ways that they could.
Do I ask for more?
No, I don't.
In fact, I'm so afraid to not live up to their expectation.
But I've come to accept that they accepted me the way I am.
And that I shouldn't worry as much as I should.

The first 2 thank you are for those people whom most likely won't read it.
But I want to say it anyway.

Thank you.
Just that one sms, you shown me how much you care for someone.
Most people choose to neglect, maybe because it's easier that way.
But you are different. I respect you for that.
I'm sure you have tons that you are worried about.
But I'm thankful for what you have said to me so far.
I'm not easily understood.
And of course it's not as if I can't be understood.
When I talk to you, I certainly afraid of the expectation.
Just because you are so cool, calm and collected.
While I'm in a wreck most of the time.

Thank you.
The funny thing is I respect you a lot.
You can do no wrong in my book.
You put things in such a logical manner,
That it's so hard not to think through it rationally.
I'm in luck when I join NP.
Because besides you,
Most of the people around me is younger than who I am.
Not that I'm complaining because I like to feel young.
And I do when I'm around people younger than I am.
Just like you who like to 'feel' young too.
I'm grateful for everything.

Thank you.
Clement. Von. Pei Yi. Terence. Yen.

Thank you.
Wang Qing. Xiang. Alvin.

Thank you.
Orange. Ariel. Daphne. Seow Ting.

Thank you.
JJ. Allegra. Jolene. Bec.

Thank you.
Jess. Pey Chee. Qian Hui. Shi Min. Vanessa

Thank you.
Willie. Xuan Feng. Wilbert.

Thank to everyone else.
Mentioned or not, It doesn't matter right?
=)

And you,
Like I've said countless times,
Convincing yourself over something doesn't make it a fact.
Let things take its course.
Seriously.

Yesh, call me un-original.
I DON'T CARE.
I was so freaking touched by what Terence wrote.
I cried.
Literally.
I don't care how gay I would look or would sound.
Lol.

Things are far from over.
But I found my strength to deal with it.
I'm happier.
And I hope it will continue being like this.

All I could say now is thanks.
I'm extremely lousy at expressing myself.
But I'm working on it.
So for now, thanks.
=)

Reality...
I do not think that there is a true "reality."
All that happens to us in life varies:
Unexpected luck and unusual cruelty.
Some things just seem too real, or, too fake to be "Reality".

I sometimes think that, maybe, we are the mirror world.
If you went far enough in space, would you reach the end?
If there even was an end, what would you find there,
What's left that could be there?
Would you find the link between this world and the next?
Would there be a vast amount of nothingness? Dimensions? Leaps?
Maybe...If you went far enough to reach the end, if there was an end,
Maybe you would go too far to the right, and end up on the left.
Perhaps we are experiments.
As if we were little fishes like the Sea-Man and Woman.
No one has ever gotten far enough to pass into new territory.
Perhaps we are the sick and twisted thoughts of some child,
With an over active imagination.
Deaths of our loved ones being decided for fun.
Dreams.. We could be in dreams.
The real you and me tossing and turning,
To the long nightmare that they are experiencing.
Do we even wake up when we fall to sleep?
You do not have the answers, nor do I, nor does everyone else, for that matter.

Things seem so animated...
That we are scarce sure what is real.
We could be the obsolete ones...
We could be non-existent.

The promises that both of you made have been obsolete.
Since the day I was born.
None of you understood how I feel. And never will.
Why? Why can't you see right through me?
I know it's tough for both of you.
But how about me?
I was given nothing.
And now I'm left with nothing.

I've had enough.

Was out with my secondary school friends for half of the day.
Went back to MOnk's Hill Sec Sch for Teacher's Day celebration.
Er.. honestly, I was there not so much for the celebration.
But it's more of meeting up with old pals.
I've always been busy.
I've always not able to meet up with them.
So I thought I just take the occasion and meet up with them.

Although I wasn't that interested in going back to Sec School.
It definitely brought back quite a few memories.
From the walkway, to the ramps, to the halls, to the classrooms.
Secondary School has always been one of the best years in my lives.
It will always be.
I can't quite recall things that happened then.
Thanks to my failing memory.
But all in all, I know that I had fun.
Although there were times when things don't go my way.
Everything was just simpler.

How time could change people simply amazed me sometimes.
The confident, the brash, the young, the lively,
the outspoken, the 'arrogant', the temperamental.
All of those have vanished into thin airs.
If some of you would have known me from when I was then to now
I think you would not believe how much I've changed.
I don't know if it's lucky or unlucky that
NOONE could actually see the difference.
Most of my friends whom I'm close to then are not now.
Most of my friends whom I'm close to now don't even know me back then.
I'll just take that as lucky.
Or else they could've figured me out easily.

To Boon Huat who's going for his 5-mnths attachment thing at ShangHai.
All the best, dude.
Liek I said,
Of all people, you are the least expected from me to be who u r now.
It's great seriously.
The 15 years-old you who is playful, cheeky, sensitive/not sensitive,
and always get into problems in you-know-what to who u r now.
It's awesome.
Just stay positive. I'm sure you'll have fun.
I guess it's really true that you'll only miss someone
if he/she is really gone. :P
No, you aren't dying of cos.. but 5 mnths is pretty long. lol
And all the best to you too, Rini. :)