Be Brave.

Sometimes what our heart wants isn't necessarily be something that you should go for. Or maybe sometimes what our heart feels is something that you should consider. That's the problem. How many people actually know what their heart really wants? How many people actually take what their heart feels as something to be taken into consideration on what their life should be? People break it into heart versus mind to make it simpler. But really, is it THAT simple? Do you ever wonder if there's anything more to it than just what your heart feels and what your mind says? Ask me what I want, I will tell you I don't know. And if you don't pass judgement on me being indecisive, I thank you for that. But if answers could be given so easily, seriously, what's our brain for? I've made tons of mistakes in the past even now for saying what my heart wants me to express or maybe what my mind been telling me to say. Yet for someone like me who is so particular about giving the 'right' or 'correct' or rather 'the best' answers, how could that be even possible? Well, I'm a walking, living and breathing example of that. As 'careful' as I am. I am just as fickle-minded as everyone else. But then who's perfect?

Sometimes I tell myself why do I keep doing this to myself? Why can't I just speak my mind once and for all? Blame me for being weak. Blame me for being a coward. I blame myself for tons of things that I did or didn't do. But then I'm also fully aware that blaming myself not only make me look extremely fragile, but it also make me a loser. However, I convinced myself, if anyone is to have a taste of my life, I think being a loser is the last thing that would worry me. As much as I'm ashamed of alot of things, but I am proud to be standing on this Earth, still alive and trying my very best to embrace everything that I have or even what I used to have. This is who I am. Maybe. Just maybe one day I could be a better person (I really hope I would), but ultimately, life is about the present and not about the future just yet.

I just wish I could make myself and life much simpler.

I've lost.
And that's all I could get out of everything.
There's nothing else in life that I'm looking forward to.
I guess I am contented with whatever that I have and used to have.
I've lost.
And I'm gone.


CHOKED.

I'M GOING INSANE.
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?
DON'T COME NEAR ME!
DON'T EVER FUCKING COME NEAR ME!
COS I'M A GUN.
I KILL EVERY FUCKING PERSON THAT'S NEAR ME!
I FUCKING DRIVE THEM ALL AWAY.
EVEN THOSE BONDED BY BLOOD.
EVEN THOSE BONDED BY INTIMACY.
EVEN THOSE BONDED BY ASSURANCE.
EVEN THOSE BONDED BY TRUST.
EVEN THOSE BONDED BY FRIENDSHIP.
WHY THE HECK AM I SO FUCKING FUCKED UP!
I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.

FUCK.
Please save me before it's too late
BYE.

REFLECTION


"I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you "
Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?