Confession is always hard.
Even in church, the pastor can't see the face of the person confessing.
Anyway, I decided to do it anyway.
When I actually think about it and write them down.
All these dirty little secrets actually seem pretty funny now.
So here they go:

1) I was once an extremely fat kid. Well at least 120% overweight. Weighed about 60kg when I was just at 150cm. I enjoyed TAF club the most when I was in Primary School in Singapore. It's the place that I was able gain a little of my self-esteem. Looking at the other pigs around me make me feel better. At least, I'm better than them at everything that we're supposed to do in the club. They give me hope. A complete loser if you ask me.

2) I took my first puff at the age of 12 (back in Indonesia) and I was totally disgusted by it since then. Although I do pick it up again at a later stage of my life, I was still disgusted. When I was about to be punished after my friends and I were caught smoking, I cried and called my parents knowing that the punishment is to stand in front of the assembly hall, stuffed 5 sticks of ciggies in my mouth and light them all up. Knowing that those ciggies will kill me eventually and to allow myself off from the embarrassment, I did that. And true enough, my mum complained and I was not punished. And of course I was sent to Singapore. Not entirely because of that according to my mum, but I was sent packing a month later. So it's hard to imagine, that has nothing to do with it.

3) I was once dared to kiss my cousin and I did. Well on the cheek that is. I was simply afraid of the idea of being called 'chicken'. Who doesn't at that age?

4) I always dislike my second sister's idea of a relationship and how she always changes her boyfriends again and again. It's hard enough to remember their names, let alone entertaining them, showing I actually do give a damn when all I want to tell them is that I felt sorry for them because they were about to be dumped a few weeks later, that is if they're lucky. If not, maybe a few days later. But of course I'm always happy to receive the little presents, that they might give just to keep me away from my sister to allow them to have some alone time with her, which I gladly accepted.

5) I used to like a girl whom my best-friend was going after. On the front, I was trying to help my best-friend to get into the good book of the girl and trying to look as though I was helping him. But on the inside, I was actually trying to know who she actually likes. I guess that's important to me then because although I have given up on her and tell myself Bros over Hos which is cliche I know, but I still want to know whether I was stupid and foolish to have made such a decision. In the end, what could have been a pretty interesting story ended up with my best friend having a one night stand with her only to realize he's not into her, while I moved on with another. A few years later, I told my best friend and we had a laugh about it because she ended up hooking up with the biggest loser in our school.

That's all for now.
It's been pretty fun.
Confess.
And you might realize all those dirty secrets that you try to keep.
Didn't turn out to be such a taboo afterall.

I'm done with the final book of Harry Potter.
I'm not gonna spoil for those who haven't read it.
Namely Ish. Ter. or whoever else that hasn't.
The book is pretty awesome.
Much better that I would have hoped.
Tying up all the plots/sub-plots of the previous 6 books are plain genius.
So kudos to Rowling.
With so much death.
One stood out the most.
=( I was actually devastated.
Although some of the plots were predictable.
And the ending seemed abit rush.
Either Rowling had a last minute change of heart of which characters to kill off.
Or simply because she finds it hard to satisfy the fans with her own desired ending.
Thus giving the ending that would be appreciated and accepted by the gazillion fans worldwide.
Or I could sense outrage all over the world.
Nevertheless, just like Star Wars, I wish it wouldn't have ended.
But I guess it ended at the right time when it is supposed to end.

Oh. If you have nothing good to say.
I would suggest not to speak at all.
I don't live to entertain.
I don't live to endure.
Such arrogance.
Such ignorance.
I don't need anyone more than they need me.
I'm done with all the fakes. the lies. and the superficials.
I simply can't accept and go on with the life I've been living.
What a waste of my past years.

A week more.
My attachment will finally end.
Although I'm gonna continue working for them for another month.
BUt at least attachment is over.
No more report. No more attendance.
I can't wait to meet up with all the lovely people.
Darius. Ish. Bee. Zach. Jo.
all of my old pals as well.
or anyone worthy of my company.
So call me up whenever you guys are free.
I need to get myself back in place.
=)

I expect the same thing everyone expect.
Why is it so hard for anyone to grasp the idea.
The idea that I need no less than what everyone else needs.
If there's always a dark cloud around me.
That not only devours myself but also anyone near me.
Then, it's time I go my seperate way.
For a moment,
I felt what I used to have wasn't all that dreadful.
It's what I think I should have that lead me to,
All the places that I shoudln't have gone.
It's time to grow up.
Or maybe grow out.

Tired.
With so many people I have to meet up with.
Maybe that will take alot of the current me away
And I totally need the distraction now.
Focus.
Please.

Sinful



I need to stop my desire to keep eating.
Without having to worry about my expanding waistline.
I'm a sad sad boy.
Who is rejected by the only good thing in life right now.
Furthermore,
those are all the flavors that are not available in Singapore.
Maybe I need to get out of this small little sunny island more often.
To truly enjoy those sinful moments.
And of course bringing along either my threadmill or my slimming tea.
=(

If only...

It's always been when we realize we have fully lost someone,
that we need them the most.
Only then do we get slapped in the face,
with everything we should had done differently.
It's when you look in the eyes that used to hold love, that now hold pain.
And when you're choking on the words that used to be so easy to speak.
Then you realize what you lost is truly gone.
Inside you still want it, need it, beg for it
On the outside, we deny.
So we hide away and let our emotions dwell.
Dig a hole deeper and deeper.
We contemplate what we should do and say or if to do anything at all.
By the time we resolve our minds.
Everything seems too late.
Then, we give up without trying.
Or finaly decide to say something.
And end up swallowing down everything in regret.
The pain continues to grow.
Until one day, when you are able to find the strength.
The strength to say what you've longed to say all along.
Learning forgiveness isn't easy, but it can be achieved.
Letting go of hatred is hard, but it can be achieved.
If something eats at a person so much,
why not let go of it and fix things,
so that as a person you can enjoy the rest of your meal of life.

It's just plain hard for me to accept life.
What it has given me.
And how so easily it could be taken away.
Where it wants me to go and where I'd rather be.
I stopped fighting against life's current.
I have never made it anywhere by doing so.
Not very far anyway.
But sometimes the direction it's taken me may not be where I thought I would be.
And I can only wonder.
How am I going to get to where I want to be in the end.
Will there ever be?

If you can't get someone out of your heart,
maybe they're just supposed to be there.

Harry Potter & the order of phoenix.

Was it a good movie?
Well, it was pretty much.
I perferred it to the previous film.
Totally beating the crap out of the first two.
And slightly out-bested by my favorite third film.
This latest film is what a Harry Potter film has always been.
It features the growth of the main characters.
It introduces interesting new characters.
It brings the plot forward to give space for the final 2 instalments.
It features a climatic ending.
Harry Potter movies have never been a cinematic brilliance.
Neither was I expecting it to be.
However, with so much plot being left out due to the time constraint.
This latest film suddenly become a much more character-driven movie.
Which many of you would know, I'm a sucker for such movie.
I was drawn with the turmoils that Harry portrayed in this film.
How he is "angry all the time".
How he feels all alone with all the responsibilities he has to carry.
How he feels no one could helped him with his conquest.
How he tries so very hard to get the attention of others.
Let's of course forget the kiss.
Suddenly, Daniel Radcliffe comes across as a pretty convincing actor.
For the very first time in the series.
Oh and of course Dolores Umbridge.
Perfect.
Just what I had imagined for the very first time when I read the book.
Imelda Stauton is AMAZING.
And I wish I could have seen more of Luna Lovegood and Prof. Trelawney
I just love those two characters.
And the death of Sirius.
The look in both of their (Harry and Sirius) eyes.
Well, i did swell. Lol.
But come on.
That poor boy lost his parents since he was a baby.
He has no family growing up.
And to lose his only family member is devastating.
As much as I would have agreed with many who think that the movie is pretty boring.
But as a Potter-fan,
this is what the movie is all about.
Unlike Transformers which injects action sequences after another.
Harry Potter has to carry a heavier plot whether you like it or not.
Afterall, the books are such a phenomenon.
It's just plain hard to follow what the books have achieved in the literary form.
I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE FINAL BOOK.


^the magical trio.

4 months passed.
I have only 1 month left before I end my attachment.
As much as I keep complaining.
Complaining on how I have to wake up every morning.
Complaining on the idea of having to work daily.
Complaining on my extreme lack of sleep.
I enjoyed my attachment.
And then I realize how lucky I am.
I can put my life to it that not many people would be able to say that.
Or maybe they're all just plain ignorant.
But who gives a shyt about them.
For the first time in my life.
It occurs to me that I actually enjoy this line of work.
I really do.
Scrap the part that I have to be in the office.
Freelancing is the way to go.

Weirdly.
My mum been sms-ing me alot lately.
She sms-ed me asking if I have eaten.
She sms-ed me asking if I have gone to bed.
She sms-ed me asking if I'm working.
She sms-ed me asking if I'm going back soon.
She sms-ed me asking if I could send her pictures of me for her.
Well basically, she sms-ed me for alot of different reasons.
But what I least expected was an sms asking me if I miss them.
And what would I do in life in the near future.
Being someone who doesn't like being mushy-mushy,
I avoided the question indirectly.
And tell her that I will be going back this time around during my holiday.
(which means I do miss them, and I want to go back)
As for what I'm going to do in the future.
I avoided the question indirectly.
And tell her that I will find work after I graduate and that they don't have to worry.
(which means I don't know what I want yet, but I know I won't ask for their support anymore)
And so she replied.
"I don't want to stay with my daughters,
I want to stay with you in Singapore or wherever you decide to live in."
And then my heart beats so much faster than usual.
I was afraid. Scared.
Never once in my life would I have thought that my mum would be staying with me in the future.
Not that I don't want to.
But the thoughts of it was pretty scary to me.
I don't know.
I miss her though.
I totally do.
But who would know what is there for me in the future?

Had a reunion party.
It was awesome.
For the first time.
I realized going back to who I used to be wasn't so hard afterall.
It's all in the mind.
It's all depends on whether I want to do it or not.
Then I realize there are loads of things that could be done.
If we really put out heart and soul to it.
And I realized all these only now?
Wow. What a complete loser.
But I'm just glad I did.
Reine. Lyd. Junni. Lucy. Jiselle.
Stephanie. Beverly. Valerie.
Phyoe. Joshua. Barry. Loo.
Aaron Tan. Wham. KeRui. Hantu. Voon.
Boon and Eileen who were late.
"The Will To Win", everyone!
Lol.

Should I or shouldn't I?

It hits me hard.
Bring me back to reality.
When I realize.
Life's really too short to focus on the negative side of it.
Sometimes I tried.
I tried really really hard.
But it comes to no avail.
But does death concludes a devastating life?
Does death actually helps in any possible way?
Is there such thing as a content/happy death?
I doubt so.
Yet, I don't even want to think about it.
Simply because what's there to think.
Such thing just comes.
Whether anyone thinks about it or not.
Whether anyone plans on it or not.

Met up with Lyd and Ish.
And saying that it was a great feeling is quite an understatement.
It's just such a good feeling to meet up with old friends.
Friends whom I spent 4 years with.
Friends whom I spent my most important phase with.
Friends whom I share lots of memories with.
It's really great.
And I'm totally loving the feeling of it.
It just makes me realize the importance of keeping.
The importance of cherishing what you have.
And not lose what you once loved so dearly.
And yes, all of these help me break my little shelter.
And realize I want to be out there once again.
To a place where I once loved being on.
Yet hasn't been on for the past few years.
And for once in my life,
I'm totally looking forward to this Saturday reunion party.
Will it turn out as smooth as I hope it would be?
Yet. It doesn't quite matter now.
I just want to be there.

Sometimes life goes in all directions.
It's so difficult to grasp on just one.
It's so unpredictable.
And you just have to live with it.
I guess I'm beginning to realize it.
And I don't want to live with lies.
I'm out there for anyone to pry open.
If you're interested of course.

Could this feeling even last for a day?
We'll see.

//*edit

useless rants.