Insecurities.
Who else but yourself will ever know?
Yet who am I to ask for an understanding?
We are insecure for many different reasons.
Simply because we have different views.
Different visions.
Different aspirations.
I don't regret.
As much as I seem to be very unsatisfied with my own life.
There's simply just no time to regret.
Take each stride as a chapter.
A chapter that I close when there's nowhere else to go.
It's no wonder I'm here with so much chapters.
Chapters that are wide-open.
Without any closure yet.
Yet who's to blame?
I just hate ignorance.
Ignorant to the fact that everyone's different.
Ignorant to the fact that there're way more than meets the eyes.

I'm totally in love with Corinne May.
She's on my playlist repeat.
For starter, try these 2 new songs:
"On The Side Of Me" and "Shelter".
Amazing song, with amazing lyrics and her beautiful voice.
She's amazing.

By Corrine May

I'm not the easiest person to love
I'm often the one who lets things go unresolved

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Yet you choose to be on the side of me
on the side of me

I'm not too proud of some things
I've done in my life
The skeletons in my closet
Are too big for me to hide

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Blessed Charity
You're on the side of me
on the side of me

Cos everyone needs a friend to hold
when it's cold outside
and there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
but you

I'm not the easiest person to love
But you, you've opened your heart to show me what I'm worth

'Cause you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
What a mystery
You're on the side of me
on the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
when it's cold outside
and there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go

I remember when nobody cared
Nobody cared
But you...

Yeah you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me

Be strong. Be strong. Be strong.
I believe there are times when emptiness could be overcome.
Life's so short.
I want to be there.
I want to always be there.
Whenever. Wherever.
Even all I could do is to stand and listen.


I want to be on the side of you.

Lies.
Lies are everywhere.
Everyone lies one way or another.
Simply because it's just a way of life.
People lie for a lot of different reasons.
Whether is it for a "good" cause (if it exists).
Whether is it to get them out of trouble.
Whether is it to maintain relationship with others.
or simply because for the love of lying.
In this seemingly imperfect world and life.
Lies is an imperfection that no one could correct.
Or rather no one should correct.
Who could really get down to it and simply say:
"Lying is bad. You shouldn't lie"
Yes. I agree to it to a certain extent.
Yet who should be the one judging where should the line be drawn?
I lie.
Yet I hate lies.
Such contradiction.
No wonder life is such a complication.
A complication with no smooth end,
yet with an on-going committment to continue living.
A lifetime committment till hell burns.

3 days away from Suntec Dance Competition.
Yet here I am attacked.
Fever, runny nose, flu, cough, sore-throat, ulcers.
so 3 days later is that moment.
The moment of our insecurities.
The moment of our "unhappiness".
The moment of our hardwork.
The moment of our fears.
Hoping for the moment of glory.
All I hope for is to put up a good performance.
Let's do our best, In Bass.

Good luck to other grps as well.
Rough Addicts. F-Beatx. Steffie's Grp. Ken.

Left kinda sour previously.
I guess life has always been bittersweet.
Although most of the times,
You feel the bad just seems to overwhelm the good.
Let that go.
Even if it's just for a mere second.

There are so much tragedies happening in the world.
Even among the people who are closer to us.
Yet, most of us seem too caught up with our own.
We may not be totally ignorant.
Yet, we're not playing a part of someone that we should.
Be it a friend, a brother, a relative, a boyfriend, a student or just being a human being on this planet.
In the midst of all my confusions, all my whining.
and my self-created tragedies.
I overlooked so much.
A friend who is going through a tough time accepting his parents' divorce.
A friend who has gone missing for almost 2 months.
A cousin who lost her dad from an illness.
A friend who is suffering, yet fighting on for his life.
That's just what I remembered from the top of my head.
My heart goes to anyone and everyone who needs it most.

Sick.
But still dancing.
Suntec is around the corner.
No more fooling around.

There are no exact word to describe it.
Beautiful. Gorgeous. Genius. Awesome.
They are all just too underwhelming to use it for this masterpiece.
I've said time and time again how awesome MIA MICHAELS is.
And no matter how annoying it may sounds.
I still going to continue saying how AWESOME she is.
I know the routine is NOT the most technically-challenging one.
It may not have all the crazy jumps, leaps, turns.
All the amazing body control, work that Mia normally does.
BUT the context of the routine is purely genius.
How could anyone come up with this context?
The idea of going to the heaven to dance with her dad for the last time.
It's just amazingly heart-wrenching.
Even before the dancing starts.
I just couldn't hold my emotion.
I simply could not.
When the dance comes,
that first look at Neil gives.
it tore me up.
I'm not even gonna hide it.
It's simply captivating.
DANCE is so much more than just moving your body to the music.
It's just an expression that I could not even imagine.
Imagine beyond what dance could achieve.
And contemporary dance is such an emotion-driven form of dance.
Which is why I LOVE contemporary.
No. I don't have the techniques.
No. I don't have the trainings.
Heck. I barely even started dancing.
In the context of dancing.
But the passion is taking all over me.
Will I ever really be able to take on contemporary?
I don't know. And I don't care.
But being an emotional being, I just can't help to be drawn into it.
This beautiful, captivating form of expression.



I watched it again and again.
I missed you.
I missed you every single day of my life.
I missed you ever since you left this world.
I missed you ever since you decided to move on with your life in another world without me.
I've blocked you from my memory for as long as I could hold.
I wanted so badly to go with you time and time again.
What is living without passion?
What is living without purpose?
It's been SIX years.
How long more could I hold on to this?
This is the day that I remembered you.
It's worth remembering. (thanks Mia)
I missed you.
And I've wanted be with you.
By your side. Eternally.

It's unfair. It's so unfair.
That I have to lead this life that I wish I never had for the both of us.

I'm supposed to sleep early.
Got to wake up at 5 freaking AM tmr.
There's filming.
I don't know what makes me continue working for them.
Weekends all gone. Seems like I have no life.
Maybe it's the money. Maybe it's the kids.
Maybe because it's holiday thus I got nothing much to do.
But because of this, I can't go overseas with all my sec budz.
Damn it. Damn it.
I was so looking forward to it.
But then there's still Suntec.
Like I said, I'm supposed to sleep early.
But I just got home.
So I guess I just need some time to relax a little.
Before I take a bath and hit the sack.
Watched "Knocked Up" with Tan, Anthony, Loo and Iven.
Won't go into details.
But definitely fucking worth my 9 bucks.
Awesomely hilarious film.
I hate romantic comedies.
But definitely not this.
And Kathrine Heigel is sizzling hot.
Although it's abit weird seeing her from Grey's Anatomy in this film.
Highly recommended. Should watch.
I just sent pictures of myself to my mum through my sis' email.
Which I find extremely weird.
But my mum just wants to see how I look like right now.
So as a filial son, I did what she asked of me.
I hope weekend will be over soon.
Can't believe I just said that.
But I did.
Looking forward to all the plans I have the coming week.
But in the mean time,
my REPORT!!!!!
Damn it. Damn it.

BUT ATTACHMENT IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll stand by you. even if others don't. really.

Now and Then.
It's so hard to just decide on one.
I want to find the balance.
A good, meaningful balance that I would be happy.
And everyone else around me as well.
I have not been extremely proud of what I've done or have not.
I'm fully aware of all the uncertainties, unhappiness or whatever shyt that I've caused.
For that matter, anything 'bad' that revolve around me.
I can't take anything back.
Yet. I'm always here.
You guys simply forget the fact that I'm here.
I'm still me. I'm still Fredy that you knew.
Maybe with a little flaws here and there.
Maybe a little different from what you guys thought I was.
BUt I'm still here. I'll always be here.
If anyone is still willing to see my existence.
To solve anything, any problems that anyone is facing.
Why is it come to a point that you would find it hard to talk to me.
Simply because of the history that we might had.
Whatever it is. Why can't you remember the old times when things are much simpler.
Isn't that worth remembering more than all the complications that we've had?
I would think so. Yet, why dwell on something that it's not worth it?

You.
I don't know. We've simply come to a point that we can't.
//*edit
I realize the importance of having clear lines now.
It's painful and hard to remain in the middle.
But then is it anyone's fault?

You.
Why? Why? Why?
Why do you have to do the things you do?
Although I have no idea what have you been doing.
Why do you have to write the things you do?
Although I don't quite know what you're writing about.
Or who your words are meant for.
I keep telling myself it takes time.
//*edit
I just wish you well.
I'm here.

I met up with Ish and Reine for dinner yesterday.
Hang up with Ish like we used to.
Memories. Good memories.
Just keeps coming into my head.
How I have missed her...
For that matter everyone and anyone who mattered alot to me.
But why is it so hard to answer a simple question.
Like "Are you happy, Fredy?"
Why can't I just lie my way through and said I am.
Maybe because I don't want to, since she's like my closest pal.
Maybe I simply just can't answer a question like that.
Because the word "Happy" is so subjective.
Everyone has their own opinion on what makes them happy.
Some are happy being able to score all As in their exams.
Some are happy when they manage to get the girls/guys of their dreams.
Some are happy when they get to eat/sleep.
Some are happy being around friends.
Some are happy being famous.
Some are happy being able to do things that would make them look good.
Some are happy when they have power.
Some are happy when they have tons of money.
But never in my life have I ever asked myself that.
What could make me happy?
What does happiness mean to me?
Do I really have to?
"Happy" is so subjective.
I could be happy now, and not in the next minute.
Does it count?

2 years worth of story to tell Ish.
Yet, everything seems pointless.
Why? Am I wasting my life away for the past 2 years?
Definitely not.
I have my dance. ann. my funka. my other competitions.
my danzation. my shows. my performances. ryan.
my passion. my school. my projects. my genting trips.
my endless sarcastic remarks. nra.
and of course my friends, my amazing friends, my lovely people,
Whom i've spent my most unforgettable 2 and a half years with.
But why? Why is it so hard to fill her in on my life when we're away from each other?
Since it has nothing to do with everyone else around me.
I know it's got to be me. It's my fault.
I knew it. I admitted to it.
So is it time that I finally get to move on?
But I guess what we've lost for the 2 years don't quite matter now.
Because what's the point of filling those 2 years into each other.
When we both know, what really matter is each other's company.
Each other's friendship. And how we would be and how we could eventually go from here.
I'm so glad you're here.
I"m so glad you'll be back for good next year.
I've missed you.
And for all that's worth, I've missed myself.
I've missed myself more than anyone would have missed me.

I want a balance.
Don't force me to make such a painful and emotionally-draining decision.

Saturday.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY whammy. =)
Remembering that it's your birthday.
I would have gone even if I have to sit through 2 hours of "The Condemned".
Which I know would totally suck.
But nevertheless, it hasn't opened.
So we ended up with "The Simpsons".
The film is as dumb as it could get.
But it's funny, fun and enjoyable.
As much as Homer Simpson get on my nerves sometimes.
But there's just no way you could have not liked him.
And suddenly, he reminded me of Wham himself.
But of course while Homer is dumb.
Wham is the smartest student in our school.
Lol.
So Happy Birthday.
A few more days, we shall commence with our shopping plan. =)

Watched "Zodiac".
Based on true story.
W-O-W.
The film is awesome.
From the performances, the cinematography, the setting, the direction.
This film is just so painstakingly beautiful to watch.
And soooo gripping, you just can't stay your eyes away from it.
The idea of chasing a single prolific killer in the span of 20 over years is beyond what anyone could have imagined.
"se7en" (The movie, not the singer) holds no candles compared to "Zodiac".
Kudos to Mark Ruffalo, Jake Gyllenhall and of course the ever charming Robert Downey, Jr.
When asked why is Jake Gyllenhall's character insisted on pursuing on the killer even after years and years of being an unsolved crime.
All he said was "Because no one else is doing anything about it."
No personal grudges. No revenge.
Just the fact that it's something that should be solved, without any profit required.
That selflessness is what the movie is all about.
Avoiding all the cliches that most movies are portraying on killers nowadays.
"Zodiac" is above all the rest.
Def. the best movie of the year. So far.
And falls coming.
I can't wait for all those fantastic films coming up.
Nicole Kidman. Kate Winslet. Johnny Depp. Tom Hanks.
Julia Roberts. Scarlett Johannson. Natalie Portman.
Keira Knightley. Cate Blanchett. Meryl Streep.
Brad Pitt. Leonardo DiCaprio. Geoffrey Rush.
With all these amazing actors, I can't wait for all these Oscar contenders.
Summer Blockbusters. I'm glad they're over.

I don't hold any more grudge than anyone hold on me.
I am over it.
I'm not here to be preached.
I'm not here to be bitched about.
I'm not here to be hated.
Well maybe the last one.
Still, I know when I'm in the wrong.
And when I'm not.
So don't expect anything that I can't or for that matter WON'T provide.
There's no reason to explain.
I don't see the need to say anything to make things better.
Because ultimately when you ask yourself,
"What have he done?"
if you could come out with a convincing answer,
then I guess our path has been broken.
Broken by the differences in both of us.
I'm beginning to realize the importance to have terms.
To have terms like "Family", "Friendship", "Relationship", "Colleagues".
And I'm beginning to acknowledge the differences in them.
Am I too late? Or too sudden?

Are all of these for the better?
I'm beginning to fear what I would become.
But do I have the time to?
Time's running out.
I'm still stuck to where I was. Where I have always been.